Recently, a handful of preachers have pointed out our generations-old custom of hammering the men from the pulpit while giving the ladies a pass. Nancy Pearcey has done tremendous work explaining the history of this hostility towards masculinity. If you haven’t read Total Truth, I highly recommend it.

To give the cliff notes version of her history (a small part of this great book), the Industrial Revolution pulled men out of their homes and away from their families for most of the day, leaving mothers home to raise the kids. Pastors soon realized that mothers were overburdened with housekeeping and child-rearing and began directing their sermons at the wives to provide spiritual encouragement. The combination of a growing detachment on the part of husbands and fathers and an increasingly woman-focused pulpit ministry caused men to resent what they were hearing at church. Eventually, the men checked out altogether. Pastors gratuitously targeted these detached men as they catered to the women.

Thus, we have developed a 150-year habit of hammering the men annually on Father’s Day while gushing over the Moms on Mother’s Day. I’ve done it for most of my pastoral ministry (to my great shame). But I no longer believe this is Biblical. A Biblical pastor evenly hands out the rebukes and encouragements, not based on sentiment, cultural angst, or the congregation’s felt needs, but on the text’s meaning.

When I come to Ephesians 5 and God’s specific instruction about marriage, I can’t help but point out that God begins with the wives.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5:22-24).

I assume that since God starts with wives, I should, too.

Marriage in Practice

God commands wives to submit to their husbands and to reverence them. Peter praises Sarah as an example of how this should look.

For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. (I Peter 3:5-6)

Practical Wisdom for Wives

A wife honors God in her marriage by being in subjection to her own husband and obeying him, calling him lord. When she does this, she shows that she trusts God. God doesn’t tell a wife to honor her husband when he has earned that respect. A husband might not have earned it. God doesn’t tell wives to submit because their husbands are superior. God says to submit because he is the husband. And because he is the husband, wives must submit to him the way a church must submit to Jesus Christ. God made the husband the head, and a wife’s relationship with God and her husband requires this attitude.

Submissive obedience requires three things of a wife: first, she must love her husband.

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, (Titus 2:4)

Second, she must honor her husband as her head. At its most basic level, a wife should neither speak disrespectfully about her husband nor to him. She should respect him in his work, in his role in the home, in the way he provides, and in the way he loves. And conversely, husbands have a God-given need to be respected, especially by their wives.

A godly wife should remember how she wants to be secure in her husband’s love. She has a built-in longing to be cherished. She should remember how important this is to her and understand that her husband has this same built-in longing to be respected by his wife. His need for respect rises to the same level as his wife’s need to be secure in his love.

On a practical level, a wife helps her husband in his work by giving him the encouragement and respect he needs. Simple words are pure gold in this regard. “You did great work on that.” “That was a great idea.”  “Thank you for being a good husband to me.” “I’m impressed.” 

Third, a wife must obey her husband. This is the point where people start pulling out all the odd scenarios. In a school setting, if the teacher leaves the class and, on the way out the door, tells the students, “You are to stay in your seats until I come back to dismiss you,” then the students start dreaming up the “what if’s…” “What if there is a tornado?”  “What if a bomb goes off and kills you?”

Wives, obey your husbands. If an exceptional case comes up, you will know it when you see it. Sarah provides us with an excellent example. Think of Abraham the Imperfect. It was not his perfections but his position in her life that made Sarah honor him.

Practical Wisdom for Husbands

God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Keep the end goal in mind: men exalt the Lord by ruling in this world. The Christian home and family are God’s tools for cultivating the world – the way men rule in our world. As Michael Foster argues, “Manhood is ultimately about a man building God’s house by building his own.” (It’s Good to be a Man, kindle ed p. 83)

God intended for men to set the agenda and see that it is followed in the home. That agenda must be Christ-centered and aim at the spiritual maturing of his family. It must seek to establish the dominion of Christ in the hearts of his wife and children. A man shouldn’t disregard the needs or desires of his wife in establishing this agenda. But he should also carefully avoid the common pitfall of passively letting her lead.

Understand that in this effeminate age, men commonly do what they do either to get a woman’s approval or to avoid her disapproval. Men, you aren’t loving your wife if you lead this way. But this is where self-sacrifice comes into play. A man must be willing to take risks, including the risk that his wife won’t like his decisions. If he won’t do this, he isn’t providing Biblical headship. A husband must love Christ enough to do what is best for his family. But “what is best” isn’t always “what is desired,” or “what is popular,” or “what will keep the peace.”

The modern woman wants a husband to be an “equal partner.” When a man agrees to this arrangement, he is thought to be “enlightened,” and “sophisticated,” and “secure in his manhood.” In other words, to gain his wife’s approval, a man must not interfere with her ambitions. He must give her autonomy. He must not be an alpha male in his home but must settle into the cozy role of family pet (aka, “beta”).

But for a man to do this is to disobey God, who has commanded husbands to love their wives. If you passively allow her to set the agenda or hand over autonomy to her, you aren’t loving her the way Christ loved the church. To follow Christ’s plan for the family, a man must lead his wife lovingly.

A husband must love his wife faithfully, regardless of how well she follows or supports his leadership. He must love her with a love that is indifferent towards her merits. God’s love for sinners can hardly be compared to the love of a sinful husband for his sinful wife.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33)

Paul gives two specific instructions to husbands in this passage. First, love your wife the way you love yourself. The 28^th verse uses the word “ought,” a very insistent word in the Greek. It literally means that men are obligated to love their wives as they love their own bodies. And Paul presses that point.

Paul’s second instruction for loving your wife comes from the example of the cross. God calls men to sacrifice themselves. That is, God calls men to go beyond loving their wives as they love themselves. They must also give themselves – sacrifice themselves for their wives.

A wife feels most secure when her husband is making decisions that will bless her in the end. By God’s grace and after many wise choices, she will grow more confident in her husband’s decisions (and she will express that confidence).

With that in mind, a wise and godly husband will build confidence by setting a godly agenda and leading his wife in a loving way. Here are some practical ways to do this.

• First, initiate conversations about your family with your wife. Bring up decisions that need to be made and guide the discussion to make the right decision.

• Second, when necessary, pull your wife aside privately and show her an area of her life that needs to be strengthened or corrected.

• Third, build your wife in her faith. Read the Bible and/or good books to strengthen and mature her in the Lord. Consider Ephesians 5:26 on this.

• Fourth, make it abundantly clear to your wife that you treasure her and value what she does in your home.

• Finally, listen to your wife so you will know which parts of God’s Word will meet her needs for encouragement, strength, comfort, or confidence. Then, minister the Word to her.

Marriage a Challenge

The Bible challenges husbands and wives to be a model of Christian marriage and, by your marriage, to speak the truth about Christ and the church. So, I’m not challenging husbands to buy flowers or chocolate for their wives, or wives to bake some cookies for their husbands. Nothing so superficial will repair the ruins of our homes and families. Husbands, love your wives in tangible, evident ways. Wives, honor and obey your husbands in concrete, apparent ways.

Do we find this difficult? Yes. Sin has made faithfulness difficult. Yet God’s grace is sufficient. In most troubled marriages, the husband points fingers at the wife and the wife at the husband. Let’s reverse that trend. Husbands, examine yourselves; wives examine yourselves.

The things done in secret shall be made known. A husband who sins in secret, loving himself at his wife’s expense, will significantly damage his home and family. A wife who sins in secret, dishonoring and disregarding her husband’s headship in the home, will tear down her house with her own hand.

Christ’s love produces glory in us. A husband’s loving headship, though it may be out of sight of a watching world, will be known in the glory of his wife. And when a man is respected at home, he has the confidence and spiritual backbone he needs to go forth conquering for the sake of Jesus Christ.