But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. (I Corinthians 7:33)

Paul points out a reality for married men. Some see this as an indictment against marriage. I think Paul means to say that this is the way it is. But it can be one of your marriage’s sneakier and more persistent problems.

You might wonder, “What could be wrong with trying to please my wife?” And I would answer that it isn’t wrong – you aren’t in sin for wanting to please her. In fact, it is natural. If you love her, treasure her, and value her, you will also want to please her. Some guys figure out what their wife wants and do the opposite. They crush, trample, despise, and disrespect her in every possible way. And obviously, that is wrong. Don’t be an alpha-jerk.

If you want to please your wife, you aren’t wrong. But your desire to please your wife can cause many problems in your marriage. Douglas Wilson points out how a woman can become very frustrated with her husband when he is a Mr. Nice Guy. A husband who never opposes his wife, never says anything negative or contrary, never ruffles her feathers, never gives clear direction or firm instruction, is the kind of Nice Guy who will deeply frustrate his wife.

Would you be surprised to learn that the Bible uses the term “husband” for the first time when Eve gives Adam the forbidden fruit—fruit she has already eaten?

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. (Genesis 3:6)

Think of the contrast between the term and the circumstance. “Husband” means something. I like this definition: “one who cultivates with authority.” Husband is an agricultural term – the husbandman plows and plants and tends and cultivates the ground to make it flourish fruitfully. That requires the husbandman to subdue, to have dominion, to be forceful, to break up the ground and do it with joy so that it will repay the husbandry with fruitfulness.

But a man who is apologetic for his role, who tries to stay out of his wife’s way, who doesn’t wish to impose on his wife, who avoids conflict with her, who doesn’t want to be disagreeable, is a man who tries to plant seed in unplowed ground. You might as well put the seed in the bird feeder, hoping it will grow into a cornstalk.

When Eve took the forbidden fruit and ate it, she sinned. The Bible explains her sin by telling us that she was deceived. Paul, therefore, forbids her from teaching or usurping authority over the man. No doubt you’ve heard that explained before. What you might not have heard explained is the next part of the Fall. After Eve ate the fruit, she gave it to her husband (who was with her), and he ate too. Therein lies the problem.

Some have speculated that Adam felt a little disgruntled and dissatisfied with the arrangement in the garden, that Adam saw God as abundant in creating and stingy in sharing, and that he allowed discontent to grow until his wife was willing to eat the fruit. When Adam saw that she wasn’t immediately struck dead, he joined her in the sin. That explanation works because we recognize some common tendencies among men. But we don’t know if it happened this way. So we might consider another possibility.

Richard Phillips explains that “Adam fell into sin by means of his allegiance to and love for his wife.” He thought being a husband meant supporting her and going along, even if it was sinful and deadly. Satan exploited Adam’s affection for his wife, causing Adam to abandon his role as a husband. Phillips points out that it is evident from this first assault that Satan sees the potential in the marriage relationship, and that’s why he attacked there first. Your affection for your wife makes you want to please her. That isn’t bad, of course. Affection builds a Christ-like bond of love and loyalty between you. But whatever has great potential for good has an almost equal potential for evil. You must be aware of this.

Your desire to please your wife will sometimes make you squishy and tempt you to wimp out on decisions. You might find yourself rolling over because your wife looks displeased. This tendency will be destructive to your marriage and will be a tool in Satan’s hand. Besides inserting a lot of frustration, bitterness, and discontent into your marriage, it can cause both of you to sin in terrible ways. Wives can respond to Mr. Nice Guy by becoming Karens, gluttons, or drunkards. Some step out on their husbands. Husbands tend to become bitter against their wives, but they also tend to shrink and wither and whimper and whine and turn fragile, which compounds the problem.

You don’t have to choose between pleasing your wife and pleasing God. You can do both. But, if faced with a choice, you should always choose God’s pleasure over your wife’s. If you do that consistently and take your place as a man in your home and a husband to your wife, in time, your wife will love that and love you more for it. But, like a garden, you won’t get your best crop the first time out. You have to plow the garden; you have to feed the soil and water it; you have to pull the weeds, and you have to keep doing these things, year after year, until you have conditioned the ground to be more fruitful.

So, lead your wife. When she asks your advice, give it. When you have given her direction, insist on it. When you make decisions, listen to her input. Then give your direction. When she pushes back, be gentle but firm. You can change your mind without forfeiting your man card. But don’t be wishy-washy, don’t waffle, and don’t make excuses. If you change your mind, that is your decision. Stick with it and insist on the decision.

Be a husband, not a doormat.