What Are We Fighting For?

On By Dave MallinakIn Personal, Wildcard Wednesdays

This is the second preview chapter of my upcoming book of advice and counsel for young men who are about to marry.

It would be highly unusual if you managed to avoid getting into a fight or two with your wife. Maybe “fight” isn’t the best word, given this kinder, gentler age in which we live. How about a hotly contested disagreement? Hopefully, no frying pans or rolling pins will be damaged. But chances are, you’ll have a “strong disagreement” with your wife. Some might call it a dispute. Others will just say, “fight.”

One of the more considerable challenges in marriage will be learning how to handle disagreements. As you mature, you should do better. But, you will mishandle some disagreements. And in some cases, you both might feel embarrassed about how it played out. A wife once confessed to me with tears that she got so mad at her husband that she…

I probably shouldn’t finish that. Someone will think I should have turned her in. If the police had been called, she would have gone to jail. Passions can rage.

So, let me make a few suggestions and then try to give a Biblical perspective. You both must develop, as early as possible, good habits and discipline regarding disagreements. Raging passions are like a forest fire; they can get out of control fast. Discipline sets a baseline that you might still cross in the heat of battle. But at least it will be there. If you haven’t been disciplined before, you will likely go way over the top in a rage.

So, establish early what you will do when you disagree. I am a firm believer in talking things through as soon as possible. The Bible says, “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” I’ve known married couples to nurse a grudge over many years, never discussing it but adding to the grudge over the years. The Bible commands you to love your wife “and be not bitter against her.” If you nurse a grudge, it will grow into resentment, and the root of that resentment will be bitterness. Nothing will destroy your marriage faster than bitterness.

If one of you is upset with the other, set aside whatever you can and take time to work through the problem. You should have a plan of attack for working through these things. Give her the time she needs to say what is on her mind or what has caused her to be upset with you. Listen and ask questions – not challenging questions, but clarifying. Repeat what you understand about what she is saying. Ask her if you are hearing her correctly. Don’t rush to defend yourself. If you think she is wrong about the issue, ask for time to think about it and come back to her later. Make sure you actually get back to her. The same day or early the next day is best.

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If you are in the wrong, confess it. If you sinned, confess that. But never confess to placate your wife. If you don’t think you are wrong, say so. She might not like it, but she will respect it. If you are the aggrieved party, ask her to give you a hearing. Explain the offense, tell her how it should be corrected, and then be done with it.

Most importantly, treasure the harmony in your home. When you get sideways with your wife, you should ask, “What are we fighting for?” Am I just trying to get my way? Is she selfish? Are we just at odds with each other? What is the point here? Should we carry on like this?”

It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling. (Proverbs 20:3)

Some things are worth fighting for in your marriage, and you do have a good reason to fight every day. You should fight for self-control daily. You should war against your flesh daily. You should die, daily. Every day, you should mortify your members that are upon the earth. If you do that consistently, you will dramatically increase the harmony of your home. And that harmony is worth the bloody battles sometimes required to secure it (no, I don’t mean “bloody” in a literal way).

But you need to understand something else. Because of sin, your wife will have a natural desire to overthrow your headship in the home. Strangely enough, she will also have an even stronger desire to fail in her attempt to overthrow you. It is incoherent; it is strange, but it is so. When Eve sinned, God told her, as part of the curse, that “thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” The word “desire” is interesting. If you look at your Bible, you will notice that Genesis 3:16 italicizes the words “shall be” – they are added for understanding but aren’t exactly found in Hebrew. The King James translators included this marginal reference: “to thy… or, subject to thy husband.” The verse is (I think intentionally) ambiguous. Is her desire for her husband, or is her desire for something else? The marginal note at least suggests that her husband’s desires will come before her own – that her desire shall be subject to her husband. The plain reading of the verse seems to mean that she wants it to be that way. And yet, the word “desire” can mean more than that. The Dictionary of Bible Languages comments that “this strong desire may refer to sexual urges or desires, or a desire to dominate, or just be independent of the man.” [1]

How do we take this? I think it is a two-edged sword. She wants to overthrow you, and she wants you to stop her from it. This will cause much conflict in your home. Resolve now to be firm and loving in the face of this onslaught. Don’t trample or crush her, but also don’t be Mr. Nice Guy. God didn’t make you to be a doormat. God made you to be the door that protects your wife. Be the solid kind of door that hurts the knuckles that wrap it. That kind of fortress will give your wife much security.

Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; but the entrance of sin has made that duty a punishment, which otherwise it would not have been. If man had not sinned, he would always have ruled with wisdom and love; and, if the woman had not sinned, she would always have obeyed with humility and meekness; and then the dominion would have been no grievance: but our own sin and folly make our yoke heavy.[2]

[1] Swanson, J. (1997). Dictionary of Biblical Languages with Semantic Domains : Hebrew (Old Testament) (electronic ed.). Oak Harbor: Logos Research Systems, Inc.

[2] Henry, M. (1994). Matthew Henry’s commentary on the whole Bible: complete and unabridged in one volume (p. 14). Peabody: Hendrickson.