This is a chapter from an upcoming book of advice for young men before they marry. Details about the book should be available soon.

Visit any thrift store, used book store, or (sometimes) yard sale, and you might find a copy of Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. Chapman trademarked the term, then wrote books for nearly every possible demographic. I have speculated that his publishers gave him a bonus every time he used the term “love language,” given how frequently he says it.

But enough about the annoyances. I appreciate what Chapman did with his book. He boiled down and identified some specific ways we show love to each other. His most important point, I think, is this: learn to love your wife in a way that makes her feel loved.

As men, we know what we like. We tend to think that our wife will enjoy the same thing. So, for example, if physical touch makes you feel loved, you are likely to believe that physical touch will make your wife feel loved as well. But she is different than you.

Gary Chapman hit on an important principle: you love your wife best when you find what makes her feel loved. You don’t love your wife well by loving yourself well. And when you express love in ways that make you feel loved, you are loving yourself, not her.

We can take these things too far, of course. You don’t want to become the Love Language™ guru, outfitted with fancy scarves, soupy hair, and a love language token for every occasion. You shouldn’t order your life around your wife’s love language or obsess about doing everything by the book. In other words, don’t let your wife’s love language become your dictator.

But you should learn what she likes, what makes her feel loved. That requires you to be attentive to her. That’s the point, of course, and the most potent element of this little phenomenon. Since my goal here isn’t to rewrite or summarize what Chapman has said (his book is available at a yard sale near you), I intend to limit this to some practical thoughts about what you do with this.

First, all five love languages should be spoken regularly. You should complement your wife regularly, without her asking, and complement what deserves to be complemented. Encourage your wife with your words. Avoid negativity. As the old song said, “You’ve got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, believe in the affirmative, and don’t mess with Mr. In-between.”

Spend time with your wife. If you are on your phone, you aren’t spending time with her. If you are watching football, you aren’t spending time with her. Put the devices away, turn off the TV, go for a drive, get a milkshake, go for a hike, go shopping, walk along with her while she calls in her ships from afar. Plan things for you to do together. Take her with you. Have adventures.

Buy her gifts. Don’t be a spendthrift, and don’t spend money you don’t have. But get her things. Pretty beats practical. I’m not telling you to let the kitchen implements rust and crumble. But you are better off getting her lace and pearls than toaster ovens. Your gifts tell her what you love about her.

Take care of the house, the car, and the furniture. If it breaks, drop everything and fix it. At least tell her when you plan to fix it, and make sure you do. Don’t make her nag you until you get to it. Build confidence that you will keep things in good repair.

And touch her. Ladies are funny about touch. They both hate it, and they love it. You have to do it right. She probably doesn’t want to be your “grab and go.” She wants to be respected and valued. But then again, she wants her husband to handle her like a man – some would say, “manhandle” her. You’ll have to learn the balance. Just remember, your job is to make her feel loved by the way you do it. The key is in giving, not in getting.

You probably won’t guess what her love language is, and she might not be able to tell you which love language speaks to her either. That’s the fun and challenge of marriage. Learning her means learning what makes her feel loved. If you are excited about doing something for her, you will naturally want to know whether she enjoyed that. But of course, she isn’t likely to say, “I hated that” (if she does, perk up and listen carefully). She will give you small clues about what she likes and when she likes it. You’ll have to figure out the rest. And she wants you to figure her out. So get to it!